Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
