I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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