this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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