Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
