This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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