I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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