I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
