I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
