Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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