The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
