I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Randomize
