So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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