My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
