I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
