I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
