I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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