Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
