Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
