why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
