I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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