I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm both gender and math confused
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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