what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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