Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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