How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm passing your future prison.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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