So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
