I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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