just tell him i said nine months
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
