dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
