You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My apartment stinks of burning failure
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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