It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
