My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
