Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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