so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
