What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
