If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
