Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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