How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
