Kareoke will never be a sober sport
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
