I wish my penis had an off switch
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
