Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
