Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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