dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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