i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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