America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
