come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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