Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
