My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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