I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
As shirtless as possible
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Randomize
