I think my fart just growled at me.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
