remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
