YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Pooping to opera.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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