My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
